As I sit here thinking over the present Christmas past, I begin to realize how blessed I really am. Yes, "I am blessed" seems to have become such a cliche of sorts, but I sincerely mean and feel it. Looking back over past holidays I have many wonderful memories, but also heartache. Family is so important to me. It is such a part of who I am and who I want to be. I love tradition, family gatherings, and sharing special times and holidays with those who are so near and dear to me.
However, there were times in my life when I was completely and utterly alone with no one to blame but myself. My family has never turned their backs on me; but, I turned my back on them. Those words are rather harsh...I never actually turned my back on them, but I walked away from them because I didn't think I was worthy of their love and support. I was in a very bad place for a very long time. In my head, I walked away out of love for THEM. I did not want them to see who I was becoming. I turned into a hardened, loveless, unfeeling being that perceived myself as unworthy of ever being loved or ever being capable of happiness. Guess what? They never gave up on me. NEVER! Through others faith in me, and the love and support that they constantly surrounded me with, I saw through all the negativity I had created and then, little by little, began to see what they had all seen all along. I began to love unconditionally and in turn, found true unconditional love. I found someone that loves me for me, nothing more and nothing less.
I understand that my path is not for everyone and believe me when I say, looking back, I would never have chosen it for myself. I understand that there are many out there that would look at my life and the choices I have made and wonder why I would put myself through all that I have. But it is not for anyone else to understand, it was simply my path. I had to go through what I went through to find myself and recognize what is truly important to me and what it is that I need out of this life to make me whole. I know that I am not exactly where I need to be in life, but I do know that I am on the right track to take me there. I know that I am loved and that I love fiercely.
What if those that love me and those that I love had simply given up and walked away? Where would I be now? I thank God every day that I don't have the answer to that question. I don't want to know the answer and truthfully the answer is irrelevant because the question is rhetorical. I am loved and I do love and that my friends, to me, is the key to life!
Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Am I really doing this?
It completely blows my mind that I have decided to create a "blog".
My sister joined the ranks first. Her blog is understandable, she has kids and her closest relatives are a minimum of three hours away. It makes sense for her to be able to post pictures of the kids and various stories of what goes in the daily life of her family so the rest of the family can keep up with them.
The next "blogger" completely took me by surprise. Not because I didn't think that she could do it or should/shouldn't do it, but mainly because for a while the impression of blogs was "Look at ME, Look at ME!!". However, my best friend and her husband decided that it was a good idea as well for their family because they, like my sister, are at least three hours away from grandparents and other family.
So how did I arrive at the conclusion to start a blog? It would be nice if I could say that I, too, created a blog to keep in touch with family and friends who are scattered about. But the truth of the matter is that I just always seem to have a lot to say. About everything. To the point that I get tired of hearing myself!! My poor fiance does I am sure! The other reason though is that I think it is therapeutic. Let's face it, we all seek counsel from someone. Whether it is your friends, family, co-workers, spiritual leaders, or therapists; we all want to have a sounding board or someone to listen. The more I considered this I started wondering if what we as individuals truly need is someone to listen or if was more therapeutic to just get it out. The thoughts and musings that swirl around in our heads are usually not earth shattering or life altering; but sometimes we need to just get it out. Then there are just the daily observances or funny moments that happen in everyday life that I simply MUST comment on. Don't ask me why I feel the need to elaborate...I just do! So here I am.
Oh, one more thing, the name.... Well, "Bebe" came about from my best friend's oldest child. When she was almost two I took care of her for a few days when her Mom and Dad took a mini-vacation. She never addressed me by any of the names we provided for her. NEVER! One day while I was fixing her lunch she started yelling from the other room. I quickly ran to see what earth shattering event had taken place (evidently, EVERYTHING to a two-year old is earth shattering). She was sitting on the bed, looked at me and said "Bebe!" and held up her arms. I looked on the floor and saw her baby doll and realized that she dropped it and simply assumed that "Bebe" meant "Baby". I handed it to her and headed back to the kitchen to finish lunch. I had not taken five steps before she started yelling again, "BEBE!!" (rather forceful this time). With a nephew of my own, I was very familiar with the "I throw it down, you pick it up" game. But when I went back into the room, she still had her baby and her arms were still up. She looked at me and said "Bebe!!" and motioned that she wanted me to pick her up. I picked her up, she put her head on my shoulder, and one more time said "Bebe". That was it, I officially became Bebe.
The title "Being Bebe" isn't about just being Bebe to my best friends kids. It has become a nickname of sorts. I have realized that when I refer to myself in conversations with a few friends and my fiance, I frequently use "Bebe". My fiance calls me Bebe ALL the time. So I guess "Bebe" has become somewhat of an alter-ego (not by "Real Housewives of Atlanta" standards; different, but hard to explain). Being Bebe is just a title for this blog...plain and simple. I'm not crazy about using my real name (internet weidos and all) so this seemed to fit. Oh yeah, the fact that I already had "Bebe" as my title to comment on other blogs made it very convenient as well. I am ALL about simplicity these days. Those that know me, know who Bebe is!
My sister joined the ranks first. Her blog is understandable, she has kids and her closest relatives are a minimum of three hours away. It makes sense for her to be able to post pictures of the kids and various stories of what goes in the daily life of her family so the rest of the family can keep up with them.
The next "blogger" completely took me by surprise. Not because I didn't think that she could do it or should/shouldn't do it, but mainly because for a while the impression of blogs was "Look at ME, Look at ME!!". However, my best friend and her husband decided that it was a good idea as well for their family because they, like my sister, are at least three hours away from grandparents and other family.
So how did I arrive at the conclusion to start a blog? It would be nice if I could say that I, too, created a blog to keep in touch with family and friends who are scattered about. But the truth of the matter is that I just always seem to have a lot to say. About everything. To the point that I get tired of hearing myself!! My poor fiance does I am sure! The other reason though is that I think it is therapeutic. Let's face it, we all seek counsel from someone. Whether it is your friends, family, co-workers, spiritual leaders, or therapists; we all want to have a sounding board or someone to listen. The more I considered this I started wondering if what we as individuals truly need is someone to listen or if was more therapeutic to just get it out. The thoughts and musings that swirl around in our heads are usually not earth shattering or life altering; but sometimes we need to just get it out. Then there are just the daily observances or funny moments that happen in everyday life that I simply MUST comment on. Don't ask me why I feel the need to elaborate...I just do! So here I am.
Oh, one more thing, the name.... Well, "Bebe" came about from my best friend's oldest child. When she was almost two I took care of her for a few days when her Mom and Dad took a mini-vacation. She never addressed me by any of the names we provided for her. NEVER! One day while I was fixing her lunch she started yelling from the other room. I quickly ran to see what earth shattering event had taken place (evidently, EVERYTHING to a two-year old is earth shattering). She was sitting on the bed, looked at me and said "Bebe!" and held up her arms. I looked on the floor and saw her baby doll and realized that she dropped it and simply assumed that "Bebe" meant "Baby". I handed it to her and headed back to the kitchen to finish lunch. I had not taken five steps before she started yelling again, "BEBE!!" (rather forceful this time). With a nephew of my own, I was very familiar with the "I throw it down, you pick it up" game. But when I went back into the room, she still had her baby and her arms were still up. She looked at me and said "Bebe!!" and motioned that she wanted me to pick her up. I picked her up, she put her head on my shoulder, and one more time said "Bebe". That was it, I officially became Bebe.
The title "Being Bebe" isn't about just being Bebe to my best friends kids. It has become a nickname of sorts. I have realized that when I refer to myself in conversations with a few friends and my fiance, I frequently use "Bebe". My fiance calls me Bebe ALL the time. So I guess "Bebe" has become somewhat of an alter-ego (not by "Real Housewives of Atlanta" standards; different, but hard to explain). Being Bebe is just a title for this blog...plain and simple. I'm not crazy about using my real name (internet weidos and all) so this seemed to fit. Oh yeah, the fact that I already had "Bebe" as my title to comment on other blogs made it very convenient as well. I am ALL about simplicity these days. Those that know me, know who Bebe is!
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